Fog of the Mind

me-sketch.jpgI’m going to discuss something near and dear to me, depression. I’ve suffered from this condition so long I don’t remember a time when I was not depressed. I’ve felt down about myself, where my life has led, and my daily life for what seems like forever.I don’t feel special or unique, though I’ve been told that I am. I feel most days that If I disappeared or was killed no one would notice. I know that this isn’t true but my brain tells me this is the case every day.

I can hear what you are thinking. “Just be happy about your life and live everyday as if it was special.” I’d love to, but my mind tells me that it isn’t, and when your mind tells you something you believe it. It isn’t something I can turn off or even ignore. I’ve learned to live with these thoughts and moods and hide them from everyone around me. I’m not perfect and some days are worse than others. Some days it is easier to hide behind my mask that I am fine. There are some days that my mask breaks and has cracks and lets the dark gloomy me out.It is a crap shoot most days and hopefully I haven’t offended anyone one on one of the bad ones. The dark and gloomy me is a real asshole at times. He is angry at the world and hates almost everyone. When he gets out it is like hell on earth for me, trying to cover his antics and apologize for hurting those he came into contact with.

rorshach_badge.jpgThe darkness that is inside me ain’t something I can control completely. The thoughts are there and they come whether I want them to or not. It makes me fearful of who I am truly inside. I’ve been told many times that these thoughts are a part of my “condition” but that doesn’t change the fact that they are coming from me. Am I truly this dark person who hates everything or am I the happy go lucky mask that I wear that pretends nothing bothers him. Am I the guy who jokes about the bad things that have happened or am I the dark passenger that worries about every glance that I get or look as to what it meant. Which is the true me.

I may never know which is the true me, most likely it is somewhere in the middle. All I know is it is a battle everyday and sometimes I don’t win.

The Joys of being Me

Well, I’m back. Sort of anyway. I’ve been dealing with a lot of things, the least of which is paralyzing anxiety that prevents me from doing most things people would consider normal. I have also been diagnosed with severe, SEVERE, depression that has been affecting me for over thirty years. This has been a recent revelation, though most people who know me understand that it has been such a part of my life that I can’t tell when I’m not depressed (which isn’t very often.depressed.gif

So here I am, seeking the help i need and getting it. I’ve also been told that I need to change many things about my life. I need to eat better, control my diabetes, get some exercise and make myself happy. The last one will be the hardest of them all. I’m not sure what happy is. I put on the good face in front of everyone, but I honestly don’t know what it is to be truly happy. Sad revelation that was, let me tell you. I’ve been so depressed for so long that I no longer know what brings me joy, or puts a smile on my face. My counselor helped me make a list of things that I can do to start making my life better and healthier for me. One thing I enjoyed was writing. It truly made me happy when I did it all those years ago.

writing-2.jpgWriting is one goal I’m trying to make a reality. I’m going to make a habit, be it a journal entry, a blog post, or something more. I’m going to write. It may not be everyday at first but I hope that it gets there. I’m also looking for my friends to helpme. If you notice that there are no blog posts, please reach out and shake me. Yell at me if you need to but make sure I am writing something. Please I’m asking for your help to help myself get to a place where I know what it is to be happy. To say that I completed something other than sleep and exist. I know that I need this, but the depression is a horrible ugly beast and it wants to destroy me. I need to be a warrior and do what I can to slay that beast and get to a better place.

I know I can do it, especially with help, and I know I’m going to need help. I can’t do this by myself. I’ve tried to and I have failed. I don’t want to fail this time so I’m asking all of you, my friends, to just give me a nudge now and then. Check in on me and make sure I’m trying. Your help will be greatly appreciated.